


Seeking Sense

by summerartist



Category: Star Trek: Discovery
Genre: Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Episode: s01e05 Choose Your Pain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-17
Updated: 2017-10-17
Packaged: 2019-01-18 19:38:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,598
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12394815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/summerartist/pseuds/summerartist
Summary: Captain Lorca has a procedure he should have had before all of this happened. He owes it all to Burnham.





	Seeking Sense

Gabriel Lorca rose in the early hours of the morning at a time when most of his crew would be asleep. Night shift was approaching its last hour of watch and he could hear the pings and pangs of the metal undergoing changes in pressure around him in the silence. He lay in his bed for only a moment until he sat up and surveyed his surroundings. His blankets were in disarray, stretching from the foot of the bed to just barely touching the floor. He sighed and pulled them back up onto the bed.

He started mentally mapping out the events that would be happening today. When First Officer Saru was back on shift he would need to contact him, comm him and ask for a status report. He would go up to the bridge himself if there was time but it seemed that he did not follow Doctor Culber’s advice, or indeed most of his crew’s advice there would be a discussion. Lorca was not intimidated by gossip but when it was something like this it was more than concern for morale.

There was an issue he was going to attend to today that had caused an unforeseeable problem. That alone should have changed his mind. Not only that, he had heard some words of wisdom regarding it lately. Burnham had reminded him passionately of what his priorities were. He was left with only one personally acceptable choice. He had to see this through.

 

***

It was shortly after his imprisonment on the Klingon vessel when Burnham confronted him in his ready room. She had a stiffness to her posture that belayed her mood. Lorca suspected he would be getting an earful from the ardent crewman.

 “First Officer Saru informed me that you were released from sickbay.”

 Lorca could hardly see more than her silhouette in front of his workspace. He had heard of her ingenious handling of an alternate method to reactivate the spore drive. He expected her fury of being forced to decide between the tardigrade and Lorca. What little he could see of her face held reproach, yes, but it was resolute in her strong emotions. Whatever she was going to confront Lorca about would be difficult to deflect. He could sidestep her and surprise her but this time it seemed unlikely somehow.

“Permission to speak freely, Captain?”

Lorca nodded quickly, careful not to show her a chink in his armor.

Burnham paused. She eyed him calculatingly.

“I was told it would take several days for your eyes to recover.” She was careful not to drop the name of her informant.

Lorca nodded. “As you can see by the darkness of the room that is correct.”

It was a relatively small ship when it came to rumors so Lorca was unsurprised that his current condition was the subject of gossip. Human nature thrived on idle discussion and his crew was no exception. It was useful to know what was happening in the lives of your superiors. He could not fault his crew for being curious about his time with the Klingons when he himself would have wanted to know.

Burnham was already steeling herself to say more. “I heard that the Klingons harmed your eyes. Sir, you should have them replaced.”

Lorca sighed. So that was what this was going be about.

“I appreciate your concern but that is my decision.” He had told everyone time and time again that he would keep his eyes, damaged as they were.

Burnham took a step forward. “You’re in pain. The enemy will not hesitate to make you feel that pain again.”

Lorca brushed off her words in light of all of the concerns that had come before it.

“I have weathered it once and I can again. I understand your concern, Michael, but this has been and will always be my choice.”

He was used to admirals and well meaning crew members butting into this affairs but he could deflect all of them. He needed this. He needed his real eyes to see and remind him of things best not forgotten. The crude devices of the Klingons would not dissuade him any more than the pleas of the compassionate.

“I’m not sure if that’s the case.”

Ah, of course the reminder of how pain could cloud his judgment and effect his command. He had heard it all before. He had many excuses prepared for just such an instance.

“If you’re concerned with my ability to lead this crew then you have not been paying attention.” He was proud of his crew’s achievements and he knew that Michael was also.

His performance had never wavered due to his high pain tolerance. His former CO had made certain that he was prepared to fight, to take a blast injury and pick himself back up to finish his job. He could not fail at his position because he knew how many lives depended on it.

Burnham’s posture deflated just a little. It appeared he had dissuaded her. She then surprised him by walking over to him beside the desk in front of the stars. He could see her features more clearly now. Perhaps she had been aware of his struggle to focus on her face. She glanced out of the window towards the nebulous cloud they were flying past.

“When I arrived on board one of the first things I did was review your service record.”

Lorca nodded. After his meeting with the former First Officer of the Shenzou he could see why she would be interested in his history. He had given her little to go on, focusing mainly on her. She would want to even the odds by finding out as much about him as she could.

“Then you’ll know why it’s important that I remain this way.”

He looked away from her empathetic expression.

Lorca’s mouth twisted back on one side. “No doubt the Vulcans would see such a thing as illogical. You know, don’t you, about wanting to remember.”

She had felt this first-hand, so he knew that if anyone could connect to this it was her. He could sense that she understood his actions even before she stepped on board.

“It’s only illogical that you believe you’ll forget your crew if you lose the pain.”

Lorca blinked.

Burnham breathed. “I can’t presume to know exactly what it’s like to make the decision you did and to live with the consequences. What I do know is that this crew deserves all of you, the version without the distraction of the pain and the version of you that isn’t fighting it every minute of the day.”

Lorca’s throat closed off. He had accepted his decision and the consequences he had thought.

“I’ve sent you some articles about the surgical procedure,” Burnham said.

That was something he balked at, both as a Captain and as someone who regarded health as an individual’s concern. “I’ve read the medical journals detailing the procedure-”

Burnham interrupted him. “These are different. They’re written by the people who underwent the procedure and can tell you what it’s like to live with the prosthetics.”

Lorca smirked softly despite himself. He had given little thought about looking into personal stories. Trust Burnham to scour all resources, even the unscientific ones.

“Please, give it some thought.”

Shortly after the exchange Burnham left him. Alone in that dark room he started to weigh things in his mind that he had sworn to himself never to consider. Doctor Culber had tried several methods already. The lens provoked an anaphylactic reaction and the other treatments clouded his thinking and reactions. Perhaps he should begin to consider the alternative. If not for himself then for his crew’s future.

 

**************

After frank encouragement from Saru and the blunt urging of Burnham, Lorca found himself facing one thing he had never wished to face. He sat on a bio bed clad in a medical gown. The seat had been tilted upward to increase the surgeon’s visibility as he removed Lorca’s own.

The Captain had already commed the bridge twice to make certain that nothing had occurred that would warrant his attention. There could be no delaying the procedure, however, not when he had made up his mind.

Doctor Culber was readying the surgery room with his team, leaving the Captain to sit and contemplate his fate. One of the crewmen was left to attend him and insert his intravenous line. Lorca centered himself. All of the articles had claimed that the surgery would be more successful if he relaxed.

The young woman attending to him saw him take deep breaths and shut his eyes. She reached out and lightly patted his arm.

“We’ll take care of you, Captain.” She said it with such confidence that Lorca found himself nodding.

At any other time he might have cracked a wry joke to lighten the mood. He could not bring himself to this time. She inserted the oxygen tubes in his nostrils and gave him a run down of the procedures. He told her that he understood and waited until she administered a sort of relaxant. He was wheeled into the surgery with his mind floating somewhere along with the ship. He saw Doctor Culber give him a small smile before they administered the sedative. His eyes closed.

******************************

Lorca woke to voices around him and a dull ache in his eyes. The lights were blindingly bright around him. He saw the lights, could stare into them without his nerve endings reacting with pain….

A sound bubbled up unchecked from his throat. He laughed.

 

  
Fin.


End file.
